How coming out changed my life and career forever

Leah Neaderthal 0:02

Being queer has made me into who I am today. It's made me into the business owner I am today, and it's helped me show up in the world as I am. And there are lessons in that for both queer people and people who don't identify as queer, and I'm going to share some of those today. Welcome to the smart gets paid podcast with me. Leah neaderthal, I help women land higher paying clients in their independent consulting businesses, but I've never been a salesperson. My background is in corporate marketing, and when I started my first consulting business, I learned pretty quickly that it's about 1000 times harder to sell your own stuff than it is to sell someone else's so I taught myself how to do it, and I created the sales approach that I now share with my clients so they can feel more comfortable in the sales process, get more of the right clients and get paid way more for every client contract. So whether your client contracts are $5,000 $100,000 or more, if you want to work with more of the clients you love, do more of the work you love, and get paid more than you ever thought you could, then you're in the right place. Let's do it together. Thanks for tuning in, and don't forget to rate, review and share. Hey there, Leah here, and thanks for tuning in. I hope that wherever you're listening to this, wherever you are right now, you're having a good week, making some good progress on your business, and taking some time for you. So I realized a few weeks ago that it's the 20th anniversary of when I came out as a lesbian. It's my 20th anniversary of being out. And I first thought, wow, that is a really long time. And then I thought, I need to do something on the podcast about that, and this being Pride Month. I thought, what better time than now to sort of reflect on that, because as I look back on that journey and where I am now, I realize that there are a lot of ways that being gay has, of course, like impacted me, and there are also a lot of ways that being gay has actually impacted me and helped me as a business owner, and I wanted to share those here. And if you're listening to this and you don't identify as queer, then some of these things might surprise you to learn, and if you are a queer, you might see yourself in some of the things that I'm going to say, and you're going to hear my colleagues say. So this is actually going to be in two parts. The first episode, this episode is going to be a little bit about my journey, like my coming out, how I knew I was gay, and my journey as a queer person, and how that's affected me as a person, and what I've learned from that. And then the second part is going to be about how being queer has actually helped me as a business owner, and how some of that might actually help you, even if you don't identify as queer. And in that part, the second part, I've invited some friends and colleagues who are also queer business owners to share how being queer has helped them as business owners, too. So you're going to hear from folks like Nate Shalev, Claire, Wasserman, Eduardo, Placer, B Pagels, minor and Jennifer Brown about their experiences too. So Happy Pride if you're queer, I hope you like this episode and can see yourself in some of it. And if you don't identify as queer. Don't worry, there's a lot in here for you too, so stick around right after this. Okay, so why am I doing this? I mean, aside from the fact that it's the 20th anniversary of my coming out, and it's pride like, why am I talking about this? Because being gay is so much a part of who I am, and it's inseparable from who I am and the things I've experienced and the things I've learned as a gay person are inseparable from how I am as a business owner and how I've run my business. And I mean, when I think about it, I really haven't put my gayness like front and center here before. I mean, of course, if you've been in my orbit for more than five minutes, you know that I've married to a woman. Her name is Emily. Like, I talk about her on the podcast, my clients have all heard about her, and you know, a lot of my clients have actually met her, and you've probably heard about our two kids. So, like, I'm not hiding anything about being gay, but I also haven't, like, really leaned into it and put it front and center in this podcast, or in my business, which is really kind of interesting, because at one point in my past, I was a professional gay, like, everything I did, and my work was about being gay, which I'm gonna tell you about in a minute. But in the years since then, it really hasn't been so front and center. And then I was like, This is Episode What? This is episode 92 like, if I've done 91 episodes that were squarely about growing your consulting business and my gayness was just a footnote, I think I've earned like, one or two where it's a little more prominent, a little more front and center. But in all seriousness, I'm also doing this because I want to put something out there. That's about hope, and that's optimistic about being queer in business, something about you know if you're young or early in your career and you're queer or questioning, or if you know someone who is queer or questioning, or if you have friends or family or team members who are queer. Because I gotta tell you, it's kind of scary out there for the LGBTQ plus community. There are very loud voices that are trying to shift the culture away from acceptance and equal rights for our community. You might not know this. You might not realize that in state legislatures, in the US, there are 515

bills that are currently being moved through the legislative bodies that attack or remove the rights of LGBTQ people and families. That's 515 bills that the ACLU is currently tracking. So if you thought that things were sort of settled when we got gay marriage, unfortunately, that couldn't be further from the truth, and beyond just the legal aspect, there's you know, simply what's going on in the culture around the backlash against LGBTQ plus everything. This is the reality that the LGBTQ plus community lives with every day. But in the midst of all that, there's lightness, there is joy, there are things to celebrate, especially as business owners. So if you are a queer business owner, if you are questioning, if you're an ally, this episode is for you, and I hope you'll share it with the people in your life, because being queer has made me into who I am today. It's made me into the business owner I am today, and it's helped me show up in the world as I am. And there are lessons in that for both queer people and people who don't identify as queer, and I'm going to share some of those today. So just a quick note about some of the language you're going to hear me use and hear some of the other folks use in the next episode. So you might hear me say queer, gay, lesbian, like I use those interchangeably, but they all sort of mean queer. I mean, I'm someone who I call myself a lesbian, but there's actually this really interesting generational shift that happened where people who are like my age and older call themselves lesbians, but people who are a little younger than me kind of moved away from the word lesbian and opted for the word queer, and now queer is, like, this sort of default term, and I'm somebody who maybe it's just my age or generation or whatever, but, like, I don't mind actually calling myself gay, but some women, especially older women, feel like that's too specific to gay men. But I don't feel that way. It's actually really interesting in this community to hear how people refer to themselves and their queerness or their gayness, but for the purposes of this episode, I'm going to use them all interchangeably. All right, so 20th anniversary of my coming out. So I'm 44 and I came out when I was 24 which is actually like, kind of, I think old, relative to kids these days. Like, I feel like kids now come out a lot younger, which is amazing, or they feel like they don't have to come out at all because they're in a community or an environment that embraces that. And when people think about coming out, there are two questions most people ask. First is, how did you know? Like, how did you know you were gay? And the second is, how did you do it? Like, how did you actually come out? And so I'm going to answer both of those here. So how did I know I was gay? So if I really looked back at it, I feel like, like, I had a hunch starting in high school, but it's kind of this thing. And I think a lot of people who have come out will have a similar experience where it's like, I don't know, because I didn't have the language for it, but like, if I looked back, I'd be like, Oh yeah, I was definitely gay. Like I had a friend who was a girl who I just really wanted to be close to, or another girl who I really admired. But then looking back on it, now I'm like, Oh yeah, I didn't just want to be her friend. I was, like, actually attracted to her. Like, there are a few specific instances in my teenage years and in college where, like, at the time, I wouldn't have said, like, Yes, I'm gay, but looking back, I can totally see it. And then in college, these feelings are sort of bubbling up. And I remember that in our senior year of college, it was around the time of all of the sorority and fraternity formals, and I was in a sorority, so like all this was happening in my world. And I remember that year there was a girl in another sorority who brought a girl to her sorority's formal and I remember feeling so jealous like, not that she had brought a girl necessarily, but I was jealous that, like she had it figured out, like she must be clear on her stuff and clear on things. I. Where I felt like I had all these questioning feelings that were so confusing to me. And I remember very clearly my senior year being in my room in college and just saying out loud, like asking, God, please let me not be gay. Just over and over, please, let me not be gay. Because, I mean, hey, it was 2002 I was in college, and I just didn't want to be different, but I didn't do anything about it then, and life went on, and I graduated, and I moved to Chicago and started my career at the ad agency. And in those years, you know, I dated guys I wouldn't say I was in the closet then, like, it's not as though I knew for sure I was gay and I just went through the motions of dating guys, or that I was deceiving anyone. It's just that I sort of hoped that these feelings would, like blow over. But I dated guys, I did the whole like J date thing because I was, you know, running the playbook. I actually used to say, back in those years right after I came out, I used to say that I was, quote, running the program, you know, like how you used to stick a floppy disk and a computer and, like, run the program, which I know totally dates me, but remember, this is like 2004

so I would say, like I was running the program and I dated guys, you sort of, you know, just date guys until you don't. And when I moved to Chicago, I moved to a neighborhood called Boys Town, which is the gay neighborhood. Well, actually, I should say it's the neighborhood for gay men. There's another neighborhood Andersonville, which is mostly gay women, but I didn't know that at the time, and so for a young woman right out of school, living in a neighborhood filled with gay men, felt pretty safe, but I started to be just around more gay stuff and gay people in my neighborhood, but I still didn't think I was really gay, and I still didn't come out like I was still dating guys, but I started to notice these feelings coming up more and more, like at the end of my street, like I used to live on a street called Barrie, and at the intersection of Barrie and Broadway, there used To be this little video rental store, and I would rent DVDs with LGBTQ stories like the Queer as Folk series, or the movie Kissing Jessica Stein, which I watched like 100 times, and like, totally changed my life. And then at the agency, there was a woman I worked with on a few new business campaigns. She was a producer named Kelly Hartwell, and I just wanted to be around her all the time. Like, I just thought she was so beautiful, and I just like, wanted to be near her and, like, work with her. And one day we were all at the company softball game, like we played in this ad agency softball league, and I was watching her play, and a thought came to me that was so loud and clear, like I can still picture exactly where I was when I heard it. The little voice said, you don't just want to be friends with her. You are in love with her. And that's when I realized they hit me like a ton of bricks. But that's when I realized that I was really, undeniably, just really gay. So Kelly Hartwell, wherever you are, thanks for being so awesome and meeting you truly changed my life. But it's not like I had that realization and it was like all rainbows, you know, or you just start like making out with girls or whatever. I really didn't know anyone who was a lesbian or really anyone who was gay, and I really didn't know anything to do or anywhere to go to meet people, and I really didn't know like what to do next. And then a few weeks later, I was having lunch one Saturday with a dear friend of mine, Liz, like we went to camp, we ended up going to the same college, and she'd always been kind of this, like older sister figure to me. And we were having lunch, and in the middle of lunch, I said, I have something to tell you. I'm gay, and she was so lovely and wonderful and so supportive. And she said, I love you, and I don't know how to help you and where to tell you to go, but I know someone who can, and she put me in touch with one of her friends who had been gay in Chicago but who had moved away. And when I got in touch with her, she gave me the whole lay of the land and what to do next to get out and meet people. And from then on, I was out. I started going out to gay bars. I made my first lesbian friends, this incredible group of women who welcomed me and are just the most amazing women, which I'll tell you more about in a few minutes. And the rest, as they say, is history. I came out to my sister not too long after that, and then I came out to my family a few months later. And I mean, for my parents like this was an adjustment, right? But on the whole, they were wonderful. I was on the phone with them, and my dad said to me, we love you and we'll never abandon you. And unfortunately, that's something that does happen to a lot of queer kids. And so I have to say that I'm incredibly fortunate, so incredibly fortunate to have had people in my life who. Loved me and who supported me, I had probably the most unicorn experience in that, out of everyone in my life, only one person had a weird reaction, and everyone else was amazing. And I am so so lucky for that. And you know, we've been talking about coming out, and if you're not queer, you might not realize this, but when you are queer, you don't just come out once. You come out all the time, like all the time for the rest of your life, everyone you encounter, you have to decide whether or not to come out, and you're constantly, like, making a decision on whether or not to tell people the truth. There was a perfect example of this that happened just the other day. These two instances that demonstrate what I'm talking about. So that day, this is recently. It was a Friday afternoon, and my wife and I had both ended work early, and we decided to meet up and get our eyebrows threaded. Not all lesbian partners get their eyebrows threaded together, but anyway, that day, we just did. And there's this really sweet South Asian woman who was helping us, and when it came to pay, she was about to ring us up separately, and we wanted to tell her that we were actually just gonna pay together. And Emily said, Oh, you can just put this on the same ticket. She's my wife. That's a moment where in saying that you actually come out to her, and so you might not realize it, but in saying my wife, when the assumption is to not your wife, you're actually coming out in that moment later that afternoon, like, literally the same day, my wife took our son to get a haircut at this place nearby. It's like a guy's barbershop, you know, run by these like, I think they're Albanian guys who are impeccably put together and quite Macho. And so my wife was telling me she was filling me in later that while our son was getting his hair cut, one of the guys starts flirting with her, and in the course of flirting with her, he asked her if she worked, and Emily responded like, yes, she had a job. She worked. And the guy said, Oh, you picked the wrong husband. And in that moment, she had to make a decision about whether she was going to say either, actually, I'm married to a woman, or whether she was just going to say nothing. And in that moment, the calculus that she made was she chose to say nothing. So this decision happens several times a week and even a few times a day. It's like a calculus of about 100 different factors that happens instantaneously, just in one second, like where we have to make a decision for our safety. And actually, I should say, my wife and I, both of us, we're in the privileged position of even getting to make that decision. We are cisgender, which means that our gender presentation matches our biological sex, and we're what you'd call in the community, like femme presenting like we dress pretty feminine, and you would look at us and not know one way or another what our sexuality is, as opposed to someone whose sexuality or gender presentation is more visible or more noticeable. And so being able to decide to come out in those moments, that's a privilege in itself, like to be able to make that decision based on the factors that we weigh about our safety. So when I say it's been 20 years since I've come out, that just means come out the first time. It doesn't mean the 1000s of times since. So when I came out and when I really started living as a fully out lesbian, I mean, I guess the only way to say it was that I really felt like myself. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything, like I could fully be me. It felt and it still feels freeing, like it's hard to even put into words, because it's everything. And so from that point on, I was just like living my life, you know, doing my thing, having my career, just dating and whatnot, just as an out lesbian. But it wasn't until about eight or nine years later that I saw what it really means to be very out and very loud about it, because that year, I co founded an organization called lesbians who tech and I essentially became a professional gay. I was engaged to a woman, and we had started a few different businesses. We started a consulting business, a boutique digital marketing agency where we worked with nonprofits and social enterprises, which you might have heard me talk about if you've listened to the podcast before. We started an organization and an event series called Lean for social good, which was about helping social good organizations use and apply lean startup methodology. And we also started hosting happy hours for lesbians in the tech industry. And we called that lesbians who tech. And if it's not coming through, I'm saying tech like technology, so lesbians in and around the tech industry, thus, lesbians who tech. And at the beginning, these were just happy hours. I mean, it was basically just us plus an Eventbrite account so that people could sign up. And they really started to take off, like they became really popular in the community as a great way to meet people. I remember at one point people started sort of lovingly calling them, not lesbians, who tech, but. Lesbians with jobs, because here you could meet women who were like in an actual career, like making actual money. So we became known for these happy hours for lesbians who tech and we got it into our heads to throw an event, like a big event, a summit, and we started planning the first lesbians who Tech Summit in San Francisco in the Castro Theater, which is this iconic, gorgeous theater in the heart of the Castro District, which is the gay neighborhood, or the gayborhood, as we call it, in San Francisco. So we started planning this event, and this is a first time event for a new organization with just the two of us and some volunteers, and we were able to get almost 1000 people for that first big event. I mean, it was amazing. So that was in February, and a few months later, in the summer, we hosted another summit for lesbians who tech in New York. This one was a little smaller, but still awesome, and with so much incredible energy around it, because we had really hit on something that people wanted and that they really needed. That same year, the White House organized the first LGBTQ Summit, and we were invited to be guests, which obviously was an incredible experience. And with all of this, I learned how important it is to be out and to be visible, and I learned how important representation is. And we'll get to some of those things in a minute. So then that same year, my then partner and I broke off our engagement and ended our relationship, which was absolutely the best for both of us. She went on and continued leading lesbians who tech, and it's grown and achieved a pretty high profile, but I walked away, and since we had these businesses together, and because we had started lesbians who tech, when I say I walked away from it, I walked all the way away, like away from the organization, away from even some of the friendships I had when I was at lesbians who tech, because, as it is, in any all consuming romantic and business relationship, I needed to sort of find myself again and establish my own new life. So I really left the queer spotlight and even the queer space for many years. And in fact, this episode, this is actually like, when I look back on it, this is the first thing I've done in years that's like queer forward. So thanks for allowing me to share this with you. So one quick note, which this part isn't really about being gay, but definitely relates to lesbians who tech. So in this podcast, you might have heard me say that I've always been more comfortable in the background, like just in the background doing great work, not really in the spotlight, and about how when I started my business, I had to get more comfortable being in the spotlight, because only when you're visible can people find out about you and hire you. It's something I talk about in episode 60 called the three biggest mistakes in my consulting business. Well, being behind the scenes doesn't just affect your business, it can affect a whole lot more. When my ex and I were running lesbians who tech, she was very much out in front on stage, the face of the organization, and I was behind the scenes making the trains run. What that meant was, when I left the organization, I was basically erased. And something I built which was meaningful to me, it was like I was never there. Even people who have worked there since then have told me that they never even knew anyone else was involved at the beginning. So whether you're queer or not, it's your responsibility to your business and to yourself to get visible and to show up and be the main character in your own story. Your visibility is your legacy, and I found that out the hard way. So little postscript to that story. After we separated and I walked away from lesbians who Tech, I moved to DC to be closer to my family and sort of reconnect with myself, I decided that I wasn't going to date anyone for a year, and I spent that year really just getting to know myself again, and I really fell in love with myself, or fell back in love with myself, and then about a year later, I walked into a bar and locked eyes with the woman who I would fall in love with and eventually marry my wife, Emily, and we have two awesome kids. So you know, it all worked out. So I wanted to share a few things I learned through this journey and that you can think about and apply to your life, whether you identify as queer or not. So these are what I learned in my journey, and then in the next episode, I'm going to share what I learned about business and how being queer has helped me as a business owner. So three things I learned through my journey. The first is I learned to tell the truth, and what I mean by that is to tell the truth about yourself to yourself. Tell the truth about how you're feeling and who you are. I feel like I went through so many stages of realizing that I was gay and then coming out. There was the stage when I kind of had a hunch I was gay, and the stage where I. Wished I wasn't gay. And then the stage where I was sort of hoping it would go away, and then the stage where I really, like, kind of knew it, but I was afraid to tell anyone. And then finally, the stage where I came out, and I have to say, all of those stages except one, were really uncomfortable, especially some of those later stages where I needed to tell the truth, but I didn't know how, like I remember there was a long time where I would have a standing Sunday call with my best friend from college, who lived in New York, and remember I was living in Chicago, and so those Sunday calls were how we stayed close. And I remember on those calls, especially in those later stages where I really kind of knew it, but I was afraid to tell anyone, but the fact that I was gay just felt like it was right on the tip of my tongue. And I remember just having to be very conscious on those calls and telling myself, like, don't say it, don't say it. Don't say it to my best friend, because I was afraid of admitting the truth and saying it out loud, but as uncomfortable as all those before stages were when I finally admitted to myself and it finally came out, the relief and the joy was 100 times stronger. And so I learned that I have to be honest with myself and tell the truth. Keeping secrets from people is hard and can corrode some relationships, but keeping secrets from yourself is even harder and more damaging,

so I've learned to be honest with myself. Second thing is, when I realized that I was gay and I started coming out, I also had to look at everything around me and decide, is, you know, what's expected? Is that really true for me anymore? Or I should actually say I got to look at everything in my life and decide what's true for me. Because I feel like when you go through a big change like this, it's almost like you start to see the world differently. Like, remember, there was a movie called Pleasantville. It came out in like, the late 90s, and it took place in this very 1950s sort of cookie cutter, perfectly perfect world. The movie was also in black and white. And then through the course of, you know, what happens in the movie, The world turns to color, and people realize that the way things were, or how they, you know, quote, unquote, had to be didn't have to be true anymore. That was the same for me from coming out, and I've heard this from so many queer people, and I've also heard people say that they experience this same thing when they go through a loss or experience trauma or just something significant that's happened to them outside the norm. But I got to start looking at things and deciding what's right for me, not just on my sexuality, but in everything. You know, I mentioned earlier that I had been, quote, running the program, and I stopped running the program and started living life according to what's right for me. And this especially comes up in the next episode, because you're gonna hear how even that one thing, not running the program, how that led to a lot of things in my business. And the third thing I learned is how important community is. So when I first came out, I really didn't know any other lesbians or even gay people, and even though I lived in a gay neighborhood around the corner from a lesbian bar, like I didn't even know how to start meeting people, really. So I actually went to Craigslist, and I posted an ad for a woman totally platonic to go out to the bars with. I know Craigslist, right, but remember, this was 2004 and a young woman answered my ad who had just come back into town after graduating college. And so we met up, and then we made a plan to go out to some gay bars. So the next time we met up, it was on a Thursday night, and we were all like, so jazz like, so excited to go out to the bars. We were so jazzed we couldn't wait. And we go to Broadway, which is a street that has a bunch of gay bars on it, and we walk into a bar, and it was dead, like, no one was in it, except for like, one or two older gay guys. And we were like, what is happening here? So we walked out and we went to another one, and that one was also kind of dead, and a few patrons that were in there were also guys, but we decided to give it a shot and just, you know, have a drink. So after that drink, we left that bar, and we were like, well, let's give it one more shot. Let's just go to one more bar, and if it's not good, then we'll just try again another night. And so we walk into this bar called the closet, which is a tiny lesbian bar the size of a shoebox, and to our total joy and surprise, it was busy, and there were people there, and not just people like women like my age and my friend and I sort of edged up to the bar and got a drink, and we looked around, and I was just in awe, like I felt like I had hit the jackpot. And I saw some girls hanging out together over by the side of the bar, and they looked to be about my. Age, and they were cute, and so I summoned up all my courage, and I went up to them, you know, I introduced myself, and I said, Hey, if you guys are here tonight, you must be other places other nights, right? So where do you go? And I explained that we sort of struck out at these two other gay bars that night, and they told me, and we kept talking, and those girls, that group of women, they sort of took me in, and we quickly started hanging out, and they became my first gay friends. And everything that's come from my, you know, being queer and a community of queer people has come from having that first group of friends, because I met people, and I met more people and more people, and like every ounce of joy I have had as a queer person like I can't even totally summarize how wonderful these past 20 years have been, nearly every good thing has been because I had a community. Everything started from that moment for me taking that first step just to walk up to those women and say hello, and since then, I've really been held by this community. I mean, listen, life can be lonely being different. You know, air quotes, different can be very lonely. And right now there's an epidemic of loneliness and people feeling disconnected. But goodness can and does come through community, and we need each other. So it's been an amazing 20 years full of ups and downs, so many stories I couldn't even possibly tell them all here and in the world. Things do feel scarier right now than they ever have, at least since I've been out. But there is joy in being queer, and there is always joy in being yourself. As my friend Sue wrote on a sign she held at Pride several years ago, it said, even if it was a choice, I'd still choose it. So there's so much I could say here and so much I want to share with you, and hopefully something I've said here has helped you in some way. And If there's someone who you think would benefit from hearing this episode, please share it. And in the next episode, I'm going to share how being queer has actually helped me as a business owner, and how some of that might actually help you, even if you don't identify as queer. And I've invited some friends and colleagues who are also queer business owners to share how being queers helped them as business owners too. So stay tuned for that episode. We'll see you in a couple weeks and Happy Pride you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai